The Psychology of Sulking

Sulking is a form of passive aggression that colors an individual’s range of communication with others, which involves both verbal and nonverbal behaviour. EmailThe trigger for sulking is a felt anger at someone or some situation that has been perceived as threatening the individual’s self-image or self-esteem. The threat to the ego is not treated as ‘dangerous’ and as a result no fear is involved; rather the threat is seen as an ‘obstacle’, which is preventing the individual achieving his/her goals. The frustration of not being allowed to do what he/she feels is necessary to be successful generates an intense anger. This anger is more enduring because ‘success’ is not limited to achieving task-goals; “doing a good job” for these individuals has a hidden agenda of self-promotion, the accumulation of personal power and other tangible and intangible rewards.

Paradoxically, the ‘sulky-ones’ are unable or unwilling to communicate how their anger has arisen. They seem to go to extraordinary lengths in order not to explain the cause(s) plainly. The sulking individual feels the reason for his/her anger should be obvious, and those asking for an explanation are unworthy of having anything explained to them. They feel that affected onlookers should be able to empathize and somehow fully understand the reasons behind their sulking as if by magic.

There is a second paradox whereby the ‘sulky-ones’ really want interested onlookers to understand and sympathize with their position. However, even highly articulate ‘sulky-ones’ will become aggressively uncommunicative and obstinate with their ‘followers’ because these individuals, of all people, should ‘be-in-the-know’. The use of insulting language; the storming out of a room, with a real or metaphorical slam of the door, is part of the sulk-strategy designed to demonstrate how much the ‘sulky-one’ is suffering. The sulking individual hopes that such behaviour sends a ‘clear’ message about his/her current inner-distress while at the same time generating a sympathetic reaction that reflects a feeling of appreciation and recognition from any observers.

Passive aggression is a strategy aimed at ‘getting-back’ at individuals or organizations indirectly. The felt anger is not recognized for what it is. The difficulties causing the frustration are not addressed openly with the persons involved who are left to ‘guess’ as to the reasons for the increasingly contentious behaviour. The passive aggressor expresses his/herself in a cynical manner, gradually coming to criticize everyone and everything surrounding them. The ‘sulky-one’ adapts the role of ‘martyr’ who is struggling, tormented by a miserable situation that is the responsibility of others. “Playing-the-victim” is the passive way of expressing their anger.

In this way, the sulking individual soon appears to be perpetually negative and sullen. The ill-humor and petulance are being used as weapons against those who are not recognizing the true worth of their ‘deserving protagonist’. Sulking in the workplace will often be associated with negative and obstructive behaviour. This stubbornness is often associated with the deliberate intention of making mistakes and otherwise turning in a lack-luster performance, which is explained away by not having been provided with the resources in order to perform at a higher level.

To summarize:

Anger is a powerful emotion generated by situations in which;

• The individual feels that their ego (self-image or self-esteem) is being threatened or attacked
• The individual senses a loss of power or status
• The person feels frustrated by the actions (or inactions) of others
• The person thinks he/she is being treated unfairly
• The individual feels his/her reputation is being undermined
• The person thinks that others are not showing due respect

The motivations¹ driving passive aggression may include one or more of the following:

• The wish to regain control over a situation where currently things are happening contrary to an individual’s wishes. The aim is to intimidate and manipulate those thought to be responsible for the irritation and frustration so that changes are made in-line with the passive-aggressor’s desires.
• A wish to re-adjust the power-gradient between the individual and those perceived as being responsible for the prevailing troublesome circumstances. Wishing to show that the individual is somehow more powerful than the current decision-makers.
• A feeling that the individual has suffered some kind of injustice at the hands of others. The wish is to correct a perceived inequity by exposing the problem and marshalling support for change and appropriate rectification or compensation.
• The feeling of powerlessness may result in part of the aggression being directed at the self. If the circumstances are perceived as being the result of some kind of betrayal and entrapment, then the anger may represent a wish for ‘self-destruction’; and an end to present torment.

Interestingly, one of the common strategies of the passive-aggressive is displacement. This is an ego-defense mechanism identified by Freud. Individuals experiencing strong emotions towards an awkward or prepotent target (a particular person or situation) will subconsciously transfer the association of that emotion onto a ‘safer’ target. For example, someone who has had a bad day at work may come home and express this pent-up anger/frustration by loss of temper with his/her spouse. In the workplace, this displacement of emotion might be influenced by the proximity or availability of alternative targets and/or their perceived relative vulnerability, so a manager might ‘pick-on’ a subordinate rather than express his/her anger directly at the true source of the frustration, which might be the boss!

How to spot the signs of passive-aggression:

• The individual will disguise his/her anger behind a mask of reasonableness, asking for an understanding of the difficult circumstances under which he/she is working
• The person will appear moody and project an air of negativity around them
• There will be deliberate but nuanced attempts at sabotage in order to damage performance
• The poor performance or inefficiencies will be explained away as the fault of others
• Communication becomes increasingly ambiguous, the passive-aggressor rarely mean what they say or say what they mean

Implicit anger, expressed using ‘the sulk’ as a passive-aggression strategy, will eventually destroy even the strongest of relationships. If ignored or suppressed, it will erode the trust that is essential for open communication between individuals or between individuals and organizations and lead to a parting of the ways. Therefore, it is important for organizations and individuals to recall Santayana’s² quote: “Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it”.

Individuals and organisations need to help themselves and others to recognise this particular strategy of passive-aggression. It is highly corrosive to interpersonal relationships and cannot be simply ignored. The remedy lies with using independent consultants and coaches for solutions at individual and organizational levels.